new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
