She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
