my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
