and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
