i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
