I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize