Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
