cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
