i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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