WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
