I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
