I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
