Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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