Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
