why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
