I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
