i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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