During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
