The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize