i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
