Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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