walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
