It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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