What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
