ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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