it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
