I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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