You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
