Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
