there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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