i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
