I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
