I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
