first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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