hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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