Your dad touched me again.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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