So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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