This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
