there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
