Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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