ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
