ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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