sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize