today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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