Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
PANTIES FOUND
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