thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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