I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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