i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
