Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize