A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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