The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just pee around me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
