So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
