Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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